The Writer's Zodiac: Who's Your Patron Writer?

January: J.R.R. Tolkien
You have a deep love of words and language, so much so that you've even tried to create your own. You're also a world builder, crafting broad landscapes filled with fantastic characters and creatures. Political and patriotic, your aren't afraid to speak your mind and you're educated enough to pull it off. Instead of quantity, you write for quality, taking years to finish a single manuscript. You like wizards.
  

February: Charles Dickens
You're a genre bender that relies on the audience to point your story in the right direction. You don't just want to be writer, you want to be a famous writer...a REALLY famous writer. But you have a strong sense of social justice and you're not afraid to put your name on the line for the right cause. When you fall in love you fall hard and you don't care about tradition or convention. And here's a little friendly advice: stay away from trains.


March: Louisa May Alcott
Your stories draw inspiration from your life to such a strong degree that they're nearly biographical. Despite your humble roots you've surrounded yourself with big thinkers and big ideas. Writing has never been your day job. Instead, you use writing as an outlet, crafting everything from wholesome children's stories to fiery romances. You keep your personal life to yourself, leaving those who want to speculate to their own devices.


April: Mark Twain
You started writing later than some but you've found success relatively quickly. Well liked and respected, it's your humor and your whit that draw people to you and to your writing. Your stories mix charm, adventure, and subtle social commentary. You've never had much trouble making money but because of your love of risky business ventures, hanging onto it sometimes presents a serious challenge. You have a love of science and pseudoscience alike and both find their way into your writing. And you have crazy hair.


May: Emily Dickinson
Introverted to the point of reclusive, you're well liked by those that know you but actually know by very few. Instead of venturing into the real world you commiserate with your fellow writers via blogs and forums. You have a fascination with death and immortality and these themes dominate your work. Also, although you're and extremely prolific writer, you're rarely (if ever) published. At least not while you're alive.



June: Elizabeth Barrett Browning
You've been writing epic poetry since you were ten years old. By the time you left home you'd read every book in the house and most of the books in town. Your writing is vivid, imaginative, and inspired by the change you want to see in the world. Health problems have plagued you since childhood but the love of your life gives you strength enough to carry on. You write with purpose and direction, leaving "art for art's sake" to others.




July: Ernest Hemingway
You have a talent for getting into dangerous situations and marriages that don't last. Your writing is deep and brooding, just like you. Character is key to your stories, whether they be six words long or 120k. You love to travel and the settings of your stories mirror your adventures. Oh, and you hate your mother.



August: Virginia Woolf
Despite your family's  wealth and connections, you had a pretty rough childhood. But that doesn't keep you from having fun. You're a practical joker and you surround yourself with like-minded people that you rely on for support. Your writing is lyrical, psychological, and highly stylistic. Sexual ambivalence is a theme common to your writing and your life. You only have one true love though and you'll stick with your lover until your dying breath.


September: Leo Tolstoy
You are one complicated individual. You're a realist in the strictest sense of the word. If it can be described as fanciful or romantic, you want nothing to do with it. At the same time you're a moralist and your writing reflects the many shades of gray you see in the world around you. You didn't write in your youth but now that you've started, you'll write until your dying day. Learning new things is never easy for you yet you're a ardent supporter of education. You're writing can only be described as "vast" in both scale and quantity yet you have the gift of constructing memorable one-liners. Oh, and Shakespeare? You think that guy was a hack.

October: William Faulkner
No media is off-limits. You're just as happy writing novels, short stories, poems, plays, essays, or screenplays. Whatever you write, there's a good chance that race and gender politics play a central roll. You're proud of where you're from and your writing reflects that pride. In your personal life you have an on-again-off-again relationship with booze, kinda like all those lovers that aren't your spouse.




November: George Eliot
You started writing later than most and now you have serious concerns about whether other writers will take your work seriously. Your stories are deeply psychological, draw inspiration from the Greek tragedies, and include the theme of class warfare which reflect your humble beginnings. You are no stranger to unrequited love and your long term relationships are... non-traditional. 


December: Jane Austen
You're a hopeless romantic with a dagger sharp wit. Your writing weaves intricate dialog, biting social commentary, and heady love stories sprinkled with subtle humor. You have a fascination with the upper class and the world they live in. You've been writing as long as you can remember and you'll continue until your dying day. Personally, you're a very private person. The most important things in your life are your family and your books, in that order.



Images courtesy of Wikipedia.

One of the Most Beautiful things I've ever Read

I found this over at isleofbooks, a wonderful blog by Shannon Fox. She's always posting poetry, stories, and book reviews and it's quickly becoming one of my favorite places to peruse.

Hope is the Thing With Feathers by Emily Dickinson

“Hope” is the thing with feathers —
That perches in the soul —
And sings the tune without the words —
And never stops — at all —

And sweetest — in the Gale — is heard —
And sore must be the storm —
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm —

I’ve heard it in the chillest land —
And on the strangest Sea —
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb — of Me.

That is truly one of the most beautiful things I have ever read. In my opinion, hope is the most important thing we as humans have. Here's another one of my favorites.

"Hope is the last lingering light of the human heart. It shines when every other is put out. Extinguish it, and the gloom of affliction becomes the very blackness of darkness--cheerless and impenetrable."

-James H. Aughey (1828-1911)

Who's Up For Some Bad Sex?

Steamy, lip quivering, back arching, earth shaking, mind blowing, dirty, hot sex.

Some books are full of it. Some genres (I'm looking at you Romance) are centered around it. And why shouldn't they be. Great sex is, well...great!

But when's the last time you read about bad sex?

I'm not talking about morally bad or socially unacceptable sex. I'm talking about awkward, bump your teeth, bend things the wrong way, uncomfortable, poor quality sex. It happens to everyone. It's part of life. So why don't we see more of it in fiction?

For example, take the "Earth's Children" series (perhaps more popularly known as the "Clan of the Cave Bear" series) by Jean M. Auel. For those of you that don't know it, the story is set about 18,000 years ago and is centered around a human girl who grows up in the care of Neanderthals and her subsequent travels and adventures in prehistoric times.

I loved the first two books in the series but Auel lost me by the third book for two reasons. First, she get's WAY too descriptive with her scenery. I'm talking about three pages to describe a meadow that the characters spend an afternoon in. Seriously. The second reason is the sheer quantity of mind blowing cave man sex. It's ridiculous. Plus all the euphemisms for male genitalia. That didn't work for me either.

I'm not saying there isn't bad sex in fiction but I feel like usually it's between a main character and a secondary character or between young inexperienced (virginal) main characters (mainly in Young Adult). Rarely, if ever, have I read about poor quality sex involving the main character and the main love interest.

At this point you might be asking, "Yeah, why would you want to?".

As writers we strive to bring our characters to life to the greatest extent possible. Perfect lusty sex every single time is two-dimensional. Adding some awkward lovin' brings depth, humanity, and humility to a character. It's something that the audience can sympathize with or maybe even relate to.

I promise, the next sex scene I write is going to be bad (the sex, hopefully not the scene). How about you?

Ten Reasons Writing Rocks!

I know that some of you are lucky enough (or crazy enough) to be professional writers. In other words, writing is your only source of income. It's your day job.

You are awesome.

For the rest of us, writing can probably be best categorized as a hobby. "Hobby" is kind of a funny term. It brings to mind geeky little boys building model cars and old ladies in red hats scrapbooking. Both of these activities are fine but I don't feel they garner the passion and dedication that many of us have for writing. And since I'm sure as hell not making any money writing, I think that it does classify as a hobby.

But what a hobby! Writing is the best damn hobby since sniffing markers! Don't believe me? Here's ten reasons why writing is the best damn hobby in the world!

1. You can do it anywhere. Stuck waiting at the DMV? No problem. Just whip out your laptop and you're crafting the next great American novel. Don't like the DMV? Then teleport your ass to a tropical dessert island. In between messages and mai tais you can whip out our notebook and *BOOM* you are writing my friend. How cool is that?
2. It's cheap. Sure I'd love to get into scuba diving or hang gliding but dropping a couple grand on equipment means I'm not eating for the next couple months. And I like eating. If you're reading this then you have a computer. That means you have everything you need to write a funny poem you never show anyone or a manuscript destined for a six-figure book deal.
3. You don't need to be in shape. Seriously, if you're too fat to write then you're probably not going to survive the next 24-hours anyway.
4. It's tough to get killed writing. I've never heard anyone say, "It's sad that he's gone but hey, he knew the risks of writing."
5. Writing inspires. Between the job, the kids, your asshole neighbor, bill collectors, and bad sitcoms, it can be tough to maintain any level of creativity. But if modern life sucks the creativity out of you then writing can put it back.
6. You're never too old (or to young) to write. Isaac Asimov published works in multiple genres up to (and past) his death at 72 years old and a 12 year old girl in Michigan just published her first novel. If you've got the whit and the grit, you can write.
7. It sure as hell beats scrapbooking. Seriously, nobody wants to see your vacation pictures, no matter how fancy you cut the construction paper.
8. You can do it high or drunk. I'm not recommending either and personally, I think my writing would tank if I tried it, but it can be done. Some writers make a career out of it.
9. Social or no. Writing can be as social an activity as you want it to be. Want to live in a shack out in the woods living of mushrooms and raccoon meat? Fine. Want to administer three blogs, a facebook page, a twitter account, attend conferences, host writing workshops, and enter into a polygamous relationship with four other writers? Go nuts.
10. Writing leaves a legacy. Unless your family burns all your worldly belongings upon your demise, chances are you will leave some of your thoughts, feelings, and creativity behind in what you wrote. That's pretty cool.

Got any more? What did I miss?

Are You Out of the Writing Closet?

"You're a writer?"

I get that a lot. I guess I don't put out writerly vibes or something. I think that most people have a pretty defined stereotype of what a writer is supposed to look and act like. You know, skinny, white, glasses, kinda homely, kinda geeky, sorta brooding, kinda like the stereotypical accountant with an artistic flare. I'm not those (except for the white part but hey, nobody's perfect). In fact, if you look across the writing blogosphere, it's tough to find writers that fit that description. Side note: Am I the only one who's noticed how good looking many writer-bloggers are? And literary agents too!  

The thing is, I like the idea of being recognized as a writer. I don't mean that I want people to run up to me at the mall and beg me to sign their tan lines. I just want "writer" to be one of the categories people assign to me.

Adam Gaylord: devoted husband, wildlife biologist, loyal friend, binge drinker, writer.

It's one of the main reasons I write. Is the desire for recognition enough to inspire a publishable manuscript?

No.

Is it enough to motivate me to keep learning the trade, stick with it long term, and devote the time that it will take to inspire a publishable manuscript?

Maybe. Only time will tell. I hope so.

Give what I've just told you, you might suspect that I run around yelling at every person I meet that I'm a writer as I beat them into submission with a copy of my manuscript. Not true. Some of my friends and a few family members know that I write. Most don't. I think only one or two know that I blog (Hi Luciano!).

I'm trying to be a little more open about my writing but the fact is that for a long time, writing was a closet activity for me. I kept my writing to myself and nobody new about it. And I think that I would have preferred a Barbra Streisand concert (aka torture) to actually letting anyone read anything I wrote.

The thing about closets is that they're lonely. It's hard to improve you craft without feedback. It's tuff to maintain direction without encouragement. It can be done but I don't want to be the one to do it.

I'm out of the writing closet.

I AM A WRITER!!!

How about you? Are you out of the writing closet?

Kreativ Blogger Award

The always lovely and potential dangerous Vero Sicoe has honored me with the Kreativ Blogger Award! I know people hand out these blog rewards like HPV at a frat party, but since this is my first one I'm pretty stoked.

First the rules:
1. Thank & link back to the person who nominated you.
2. Answer the ten questions below.
3. Share ten random facts/thoughts about yourself.
4. Nominate seven worthy blogs for the Kreativ Blogger Award.

Now the results:

What's your favorite song?

Impossible question to answer. Instead, I'll give you the three songs I'm listening to the most right now.

What's your favorite desert?

Hooray for pie!!!

What ticks you off?

People who are more than ready to shove their opinion or belief structure down your throat but throw a hissy fit as soon as the conversation starts to look like any kind of intelligent debate.

And Swedish people.

What do you do when you're upset?

Drink myself into a blind stupor and shoplift? No, I cook or write or work out or kill aliens on my X-Box. Honestly I don't get upset very often and when I do it usually doesn't last long. Oh, and I bitch to my wife. That's a big one.

Pippin on top of the world.

Which is your favorite pet?

PIPPIN!!!!!

Which do you prefer, black or white?

What kind of racist BS is this? Where does this blog award come from, Idaho? MOVING ON!

What is your biggest fear?

Death

What is your attitude mostly?

I'm that nice fella who helps you move and likes to talk about literature and beer. Then every once in a while I'll say something so off color that you wonder what the hell is wrong with me.

What is perfection?

A town in Nevada plagued by giant burrowing alien worms.

What is your guilty pleasure?

Baked goods. You put a tray of snicker-doodles in front of me, you'd better stand back or you'll lose a hand.

Ten Random Facts

1. My pinky toes don't touch the ground when I walk. I might be the next step in human evolution.
2. My mom still calls me Pumpkin' Pie.
3. I've never watched "Dirty Dancing", "The Breakfast Club", or "The Life Aquatic" and I didn't care for "The Big Lebowski" even though I quote it occasionally.
4. I've broken three ribs, two arms, one leg, several fingers, and dislocated one kneecap. None of them were mine.
5. I've got nothing against it but I've never smoked pot.
6. I'm trying to learn to play the guitar. So far all I've managed to do is make my fingers sore and piss off the dog.
7. I'm a beer fanatic. I've probably tried somewhere between 300-500 different kinds of beer from all over the world. Some of the longest conversations I've had in the last year have been about beer.
8. I teach an on-line class for Oregon State University called "Field Sampling for Fish and Wildlife".
9. My wife and I will have been married for 7 years on May 28th.
10. At 6'4", I'm the tallest person in my family.

Yeah Beer!

 My seven extremely worthy tags:

1. The Mad Ravings of a Feaky Snucker 
2. Morgan Shamy
3. Myself as Written
4. Cara Bertrand
5. Dangling on the Edge of (In)Sanity 
6. Strands of Pattern
7. The Death Writer

On Fiction Writing

I know I've mentioned this site a few times (probably because I'm so impressed with it) but I want to encourage everyone once again to go check out On Fiction Writing, a wonderful on-line writing community that has improving my quality of life ten fold!

OFW has weekly author interviews, regular features with tips and techniques to improve your writing, book reviews, flash fiction, and my personal favorite, the opportunity for critique from fellow writers. Check out the in the Agora section to post query letters and synopses for critique or head over to the Workshops page to post chapters and short stories and to review what others have submitted. Nothing helps your own writing quite like critiquing others, believe me. 

AND, for a limited time (not really) I have a robot-centric sci-fi short story up for review that I would love for anyone and everyone to tear apart.

So go to OFW, get involved in the writing community, and critique my story!

Hooray For Pie!!!

In keeping with my food theme for the week I would like to share "my" award winning recipe for key lime pie. I have to be honest, I got this off of AllRecipes.com (my favorite recipe site) so it's not really mine. The only changes I would suggest are: Use fresh key limes if you can get them but if you can't, use Nellie and Joe's key lime juice 'cause it's almost as good (sometimes better  given how crappy limes are in the grocery store). Use heaping tablespoons of lime zest. If you use the bottled lime juice, use 3-5 large regular limes to get your zest. The zest is important so don't skip it! Sweetened condensed milk comes in 14 0z cans so you'll need just under 2 cans for 1 pie and ~3.5 cans for 2 pies. Don't get the low fat stuff, it's just not worth it. If you're doing fresh key limes, you'll need 20-30 for one pie and 50-60 for two. Cook times vary but for one pie I've found I need ~10 min. and ~18 min for two pies. Don't hold me to that though. Enjoy!  Key Lime Pie VII

Rated: Submitted By: ANNRICHARDSON Photo By: justamom Prep Time: 15 Minutes Cook Time: 8 Minutes Ready In: 55 Minutes Servings: 8

"Along with a bit of grated lime rind swirled in, sour cream is blended with condensed milk and lime juice for this pie 's very rich and creamy key lime filling."

Ingredients:

1 (9 inch) prepared graham cracker crust 3 cups sweetened condensed milk 1/2 cup sour cream

3/4 cup key lime juice 1 tablespoon grated lime zest

Directions:

1.	Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
2.	In a medium bowl, combine condensed milk, sour cream, lime juice, and lime rind. Mix well and pour into graham cracker crust.
3.	Bake in preheated oven for 5 to 8 minutes, until tiny pinhole bubbles burst on the surface of pie. DO NOT BROWN! Chill pie thoroughly before serving. Garnish with lime slices and whipped cream if desired.

MSFV May Secret Agent

I want to let everyone know that I've been lucky enough to get into another great feedback activity over at Miss Snark's First Victim: the May Secret Agent Challenge.

The first 250 words of my epic fantasy manuscript "Sol of a Gladiator" are up for critique and I would love your feedback. I'm Entry #36 so head on over and let me know what you think.

Thanks!

Reasons Why Writing Is Bit Like Cooking: Part Two

On Monday I posted three reasons why I think cooking is a bit like writing in that to have success in either you need to have the proper ingredients, a good sense of timing, and a willingness to realize that everyone makes mistakes.

If you're like me, your always first in line for seconds. With that in mind, here are a couple reasons why a good writer isn't that different from a good chef.

1. What we create for ourselves is consumed by others:  A good chef cooks because food inspires them. It's what they're passionate about. If you don't believe me, just try shopping with a chef. They don't see the individual products on the shelf, they see all the possibilities that such ingredients hold. A chef creates because cooking makes them happy. But the product they create isn't for them, it's for their customers. The best meal ever prepared doesn't mean anything if there's nobody there to taste it. The same goes for writing. We write because it's what we love. We look at the world and see plot lines and characters where others see the mundane. But at the end of the day what we write, hopefully, will be consumed by someone else. Both cooking and writing are art forms meant to me shared.
2. As soon as it leaves the kitchen, it's not ours anymore: Like I said, for both writers and cooks the products of all that hard work are meant to be shared. The thing is, as soon as that dish leaves the kitchen, it isn't yours anymore. Everyone interprets food a little differently. Take a food that 10 people love and you'll get 10 different reasons why they love it. And of course there are 10 other people just as ready to tell you their 10 reasons for why they hate it. A chef can create a dish with a certain flavor profile and dining experience in mind but as soon as it reaches the consumer there's there's no way to know how any given person will interpret it. The same goes for writing. As writers we create characters and worlds for specific reasons that make sense to us but as soon as someone else gets their hands on it, all bets are off. I once had a reader explain to me why he was certain that a scene I wrote was actually a thinly veiled commentary on barriers to social mobility in America's ghettos. Seriously, I just let him talk because it made me sound so much smarter than I actually am. 

I think I said in Monday's post that I was going to make this a three part series but...I have a short attention span so I think this will be it. I hope you like what I've prepared.

Bon appetit!

Reasons Writing Is Bit Like Cooking: Part One

Back in March I posted about why writing is a bit like working out. It's a good post (IMHO) and I like it.

The thing is, I don't love to work out. It's ok. It helps me keep my girlish figure. But the main reason I go to the gym is to support my true love and addiction: FOOD!

I love food. I love to eat. I love to buy food. I love the Food Network. I LOVE FOOD!

And I also love to cook. There is no better way to wind down from a long day than to crack open a beer (another thing I LOVE), bust out some pots and pans, and get to cookin'. My specialties include pad thai, vegi burritos, stuffed cheese burgers, fried sage winter squash soup, spaghetti squash and grueyere, pumpkin roll, and my award winning key lime pie. Mmmmmmm...

I love to cook so I think about it a lot. Because of this I've noticed some definite parallels between cooking and something else I love to do and ponder: writing.

I started out intending to post five reasons why writing is like cooking but I kept coming up with more. Instead of doing an insanely long post, I'm going to make it into a three part post.

So without further ado, here are my first three reasons that writing is a bit like cooking:

1. Ingredients Matter: I love the TV show Chopped. If you haven't seen it, basically it's the cooking version of MacGyver. World-class chefs are given baskets filled with crazy ingredients and instructed to make world-class meals. Stuff like "You have 20 minutes to make an appetizer using pig testicles, licorice candy, shoe leather, and some fruit as yet undescribed by science." Seriously crazy stuff. And sometimes they fail. Even though these are very talented cooks with years of experience under their belt, sometimes their dishes turn out terrible. The moral of the story: it's a lot easier to make a quality product if you use quality ingredients. The same goes for writing. We all know the basic ingredients of a good story but just being aware of them isn't enough. You have to get intimate with these ingredients (bow chika bow wow). You have to practice with them. Use fresh plot lines instead of dried out cliches. Avoid bland at all costs. Spice things up! Bring in outside influences and expand your boundaries. Use high quality ingredients.     
2. Timing Matters: Good cooks manage time well. You can't start your scallops 45 minutes before it's time to serve or they'll have the texture of a Goodyear tire. If that rice doesn't have enough time to cook your guests will need dental work. Cooking a quality meal means starting things at the appropriate times, giving them the time they need (and not a second more), and then picking the right time to finish. Sound familiar? A common writing mistake (I know I've been guilty of this one) is starting a story at the wrong point. Knowing when to start can be just as important as knowing when to finish (which is also super important). A good writer needs to manage the timing of his/her story so that everything starts at the right time, is given the proper amount of time, no more, no less, and finishes when it should.
3. You Will Make Mistakes: The first time I cooked on my own I was seven. I woke up early one Saturday morning planning to make my parents pancakes. They came out golden brown and fluffy, just like good pancakes should. So why did my dad look like a penguin regurgitating food for its young? Simple, I used baking soda instead of baking powder. And I used extra. So basically I made salt cakes. My mom and dad assured me that they weren't that bad, added more syrup, and ate them with a smile. What good parents. They're lucky the extreme sodium content didn't result in an instant heart attack. "Boy kills parents with pancakes!" Anyway, the point is that everyone make mistakes when cooking and when writing. My first writing efforts were probably even worse than those pancakes. But if you love it then you stick with it. And you get better. And you add bananas and walnuts to your pancakes. 

Mmmmmmm....pancakes.

Happy Star Wars Day

Happy Star Wars Day! May the 4th be with you!

MSFV Drop the Needle Action Scene

The amazing and wonderful Authoress over at Miss Snark's First Victim is hosting a "Drop the Needle" action scene critique today and yours truly is Entry #2. 

Go check it out!

I am stoked to have gotten in (the 25 open slots filled up in less than 1 minute) but also HORRIFIED to see TWO MISTAKES in the first two sentences.

WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!?

I have no defense. I read the entry at least a dozen times before submitting it. I could blame the fact that in order to enter I sneaked out of my Plant Systematics lab and sat in the hallway with my laptop (true story) but that's just not gonna cut it. I got nothing.

For the record

• The first line should not have a comma.
• The second sentence should read, "Most of the mob gave him a wide berth until two men stepped into his path, clearly singling him out for trouble."

Anyway, try to forgive my...whatever is wrong with me...and head over to MSFV to check out the action scenes!

My Groin Hurts

Yes, you read that right. My groin feels like it was rabbit punched by a…well a rabbit I suppose. I don’t mean my _________________ (insert euphemism for male genitalia here). I mean my actual groin muscle.

Why?

Because I’m a masochist. Not your average whips and chains amateur BS either. I get into real torture; stuff that leaves weaker men pale and sweaty in the corner singing “It’s a small world” over and over.

That’s right: I play intramural soccer.

I’m not sure what possesses me to subject myself to such humiliation and pain but I can only assume that I have some unresolved emotional baggage stemming from the heating vent connecting my bedroom to my parents’ bedroom in the house I grew up in (I wish I was joking).    

You’re probably saying to yourself, “It can’t be that bad, right?” (The soccer, not the squeaky bed that haunted my youth.)

WRONG!!!

My team, which is composed of fellow grad students, is a good group. We have fun. Some of us are pretty good (not me) and some of us haven’t played organized soccer since elementary school (me). Unfortunately, because we’re poor overburdened grad students (aka lazy) we signed up late and we got put in the only slot left: the intramural equivalent of FIFA. That means we’re playing undergrads (5-12 years younger) that all played high school soccer together and just missed getting a D1 scholarship.

Seriously, these kids are good. In our two games thus far we’ve lost by a cumulative score of 30-0 (or something like that, at some point nobody keeps track). AND THEY’RE FAST. I can’t even take out my frustration by running them over ‘cause I can’t catch them!

The thing is: it’s fun. We have a good time. I’ll be out there again next week, sore groin and all.

Wish me luck!