BEER!!!! (and what it might say about your characters)

Prince Charming just put in a long hard day fighting dragons and all he wants to do is put his feet up and watch a little bit of jousting on MSPN (Mid-evil Sports Programing Network) but when he gets back to Camelot (which is a silly place) the Princess is on a rampage because the enchanted woodland critters have soiled the tapestries again (This is a castle and we have many tapestries, and if you are a Scottish lord then I am Mickey Mouse!). After shooing the enchanted animals outside and cleaning up their enchanted droppings, our hero puts the seven dwarfs to bed and then, finally, sits down with a nice cold flagon of his favorite brew.

But what brew? What epic beer does our epic hero epically quaff in this epically epic fantasy? And does it matter?

You bet your ass it matters!!!

As I've said before, I'm a beer nut, a brew fanatic, a hop head, an alcoholic...wait, scratch that last one. I love beer!

Most people follow a similar beer path. Generally, folks start their beer journey in the Land of American Style Pilsners. This is a very desolate, colorless land full of frat boys and NASCAR logos. There's nothing wrong with starting here, or even visiting on a hot summer day, but I don't recommend taking up residence. Once you stop drinking beer just to get drunk, it's time to move on into the Realm of Micro-brews. There are two routes that most people take to get there, either through the mountain pass of light citrusy wheat beers or through the darker amber beer mines. Both routes are safe, delicious, and inviting. Usually beer travelers take their time on these roads and some never leave. Those that choose to press on tend to head to the Kingdom of Ports and Stouts. A heady place full of depth and intrigue. There's a lot to see there and it's usually best to visit in the winter. A few brave souls press on and finally reach my home, the Land of Hops where the IPAs and hoppy reds roam free. By the time you've made it here you are sure to be a beer snob and proud of it. From the Land of Hops you might visit your old haunts back along the path or take occasional forays into the Valley of Sours, the Plains of Alt, or any of the attractions the diverse world of beer offers.

Brewed in Japan, this batch of Hitachino Nest Beer spent 3 extra days in the mash due to the giant earthquake of 2011. This resulted in a unique, once in a lifetime, un-replicable brew that beer nuts like me have been clamoring over.

I believe that where you are along your beer journey, and therefore what you drink, can say a little about who you are. For example:

Pilsners - Your a working class, blue-collar, salt of the earth sort of person. You drink the same beer your daddy did and if it was good enough for him, then by god it's good enough for you (the same could be said for your politics). Wherever you're from, you're proud of it. Slow to change your ways and often stubborn, you say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"

Wheats - You are one laid back individual. Problems slough off you like water off a ducks back. You're a dreamer who knows that money doesn't make a person happy. As a result, you often find yourself in money trouble. Outdoorsy, you can usually be found on some forest trail with your bike or your dog.

•  Sure Bets:
• CooperSmith's Brewing (Fort Collins, CO) "Mountain Avenue Wheat"
• Terrapin Beer Co. (Athens, GA) "Sunray Wheat"
• Founders Brewing Co. (Grand Rapids, MI) "Founders Fest Wheat"

Porters and Stouts - You're an intellectually minded person who takes life seriously. You like your coffee black and your beer blacker. Slow to judge and even slower to react, you prefer to take your time to ponder over the many issues that life throws your way. you like rainy days and big fireplaces.

• Sure Bets:
• Great Divide Beer Co. (Denver, CO) "Yetti Imperial Stout"
• Deschutes Brewery (Bend, OR) "The Abyss"
• Lagunitas Brewing (Petaluma, CA) "Cappuccino Stout"
• Oakshire Brewing (Eugene, OR) "Espresso Stout"

The Beer Gods shining down on my favorite brewery.

IPA's and Red - Adventurous and gregarious, you are a risk taker with a reputation for taking any situation to the edge (sometimes past). You tend to consider yourself smarted than you actually are but, either through dumb luck or the help of your friends, it usually doesn't get you into trouble. You're naturally funny but you also tend to try to hard in social situation.  

•  Sure Bets:
• Terminal Gravity Brewing (Enterprise, OR) "IPA"
• Green Flash Brewing (San Diego, CA) "West Coast IPA"
• Good Life Brewing Co. (Bend, OR) "Descender IPA"
• Double Mountain Brewing (Hood River, OR) "IRA"
• Bridgeport Brewing Co. (Portland, OR) "Kingpin Red" 

This was my birthday present from my wife this year. She knows what I like!

Are these characterizations always true?

No. 

Are they ever true?

I have no idea.

Are the beers worth trying.

Hell yes.

Enjoy!

Give Your Characters An Out

You've been through some tough times in your life. You've made some decisions you regret; done and said some things you wish you hadn't.

I don't need to know you personally to know this. One of the most important things I've learned in my life is that everyone has issues. Some peoples issues are big and showy, some peoples issues are easier to hide. But everyone has issues. And as such, everyone has been through some tough times. That's life.

But you know what can make those tough times even tougher?

Having an out you didn't take.

You know what I mean. The dark feels just that much darker when you know you had a way out, an opportunity to right the ship that you didn't take. Missing an out can magnify regret and lead to some serious second-guessing down the road. It makes tough times tougher.

And it can add darkness, depth, and a psychological edge to your story.

You character's in trouble, the world is crumbling around her. Then the realization hits, "None of this would have happened if I would have just given the wizard back his giraffe." (or whatever)

Now your character has something to torture herself with. She has regret. She has something to remember when the next big decision comes her way. Has she learned from her mistakes or will she repeat them? Can she even recognize the out when it looks her in the face?

Give your characters an out and then don't let them take it. They won't love you for it but your audience will.

Marvel Character Creater

Hey there super-writers!

I've found a pretty cool little tool that I'm corrupting for my own purposes: Marvel's "Create Your Own Superhero" game! It's not intended to be a writing tool but if you're having a hard time picturing your hero/heroine/villain/whatever and your worthless with a sketchpad (like me), this is a pretty sweet alternative.

Go in a pick your character's body type, hair, color, clothing, and accessories. The options are a little sparse but you can still come up with some pretty cool characters.

Check out the guy I made in just 10 minutes!

P.S. - I have another short story up for review at OFW and I would love to hear what you think about it. Just click on the "Critique" tab at the top of the page and then click "Participate in Peer Review" and "Read Submissions" to get to my post. It's titled "Lightning Flashed". I have another story titled "Untitled Robot Story" there also. Thanks!