The time has come for me to enter into the query process. A couple of you (awesome people) were good enough to give some me some pointers on a previous version of my query. I am posting a revised version and I'll be eternally grateful (aka I'll be more than willing to return the favor...or paint your house or something) to anyone and everyone that is generous enough to share their thoughts. Here it is:
Dear Agent-X,
In the heart of the tyrannical Astrolian
Empire, deep in the bowels of the Coliseum, the orphan Sol is raised by a
makeshift family of sympathetic guards and fellow slaves to become the most
famed gladiator in all the land. With
his fighting partner, a yeti-like giant from the frozen south, Sol must battle cunning
warriors and exotic beasts to delight the crowd and stay alive.
When a captured member of the Resistance
is forced into Sol’s cell as a sex-prize, her words of rebellion compel Sol to
question his long-accepted fate as a slave.
Outside the Coliseum, an unknown bard’s tales transform Sol into a symbol
of defiance and inspire an oppressed populace hungry for a hero. The streets
fill with talk of revolution and the Empire decides the fighter must fall.
To quell this potential insurgence Astrolia’s
most ruthless assassin is tasked with Sol’s vilification and eventual demise. Sol’s
only hope is to rely on friends, new and old, in order to do what no slave has
ever done: escape the Coliseum and the only home he’s ever known.
Thank you
for the opportunity to submit to Agency-X. SOL OF A GLADIATOR is an adult
Fantasy novel complete at 84,000 words. I am seeking your representation because...
Thank you for your time and
consideration.
Sincerely,
Adam Gaylord
Phone No.
email address
Hey, Adam. I noticed you over at OFW, and decided to check out your blog. I absolutely hate writing queries, but this is not bad at all. I'd just cut out a couple of non-essential bits to tighten it up.
ReplyDeleteYour opening is great, but some of the descriptive bits could be eliminated to smooth the flow. Something like "Deep in the bowls of the tyrannical Astrolian Empire's Coliseum, a makeshift family of sympathetic guards and fellow slaves raise the orphan Sol to become a legendary gladiator. With his fighting partner, a yeti-like giant from the frozen south, Sol battles cunning warriors and exotic beasts to stay alive."
The second paragraph is great. But you don't give the slave's name. If you name her in the story, I'd add it here because she would be a pivotal character.
The last bit, I'd only change slightly. Something like "To quell this potential insurgence, Astrolia’s most ruthless assassin is tasked with Sol’s vilification and eventual demise. Sol must rely on friends, new and old, to do what no slave has ever done: escape the Coliseum."
I removed "in order to" because that's just fluff. The last bit about it being the only home he's ever known is implied with your first line, so it's redundant (IMO). Hope this helps. This book sounds awesome. I'd read it.
Thank you for the opportunity to submit to Agency-X. SOL OF A GLADIATOR is an adult Fantasy novel complete at 84,000 words. I am seeking your representation because...
Thanks Renee. Your advice makes good sense and I look forward to trying it out. Thanks for stopping in!
DeleteOops, my copy and paste efforts failed and I left the bit on the end. :) Sorry.
ReplyDeleteSome good stuff here. Really nice work. I like how I can get a feel of the book through the query which is great.
ReplyDeleteI think some tightening could be used. I would omit "Deep in the Bowels of the Coliseum" to tighten it. Or play around with how that's phrased.
I would name the "captured member of the Resistance" Can we make her more of a character? I want to feel a bit more of their relationship there too... is there chemistry? You definitely have a bit of room to play off of that.
Also, I think the tension can be amped up. I think the escape factor is great, but I'm not *feeling* the urgency for him to escape. Maybe it's the friend line... don't laugh, but part of me is wondering why he needs to escape so bad when he has friends... friends seems happy, and maybe we need more of a threat or more of his horrid situation to amp of the urgency for him to escape. Does that make sense? Maybe it's the "ruthless assassin "part... I'm not afraid. He needs a face. Or name. I need to know the bad a bit more to have more sympathy.
Really great though. I'd say if you bring the girl and the assassin to life a bit more, you've definitely got a winner! Fab job, Adam! :D
Your comments make perfect sense. I'll have to put some serious thought into how to flesh out these characters while at the same time tightening the overall query. Thanks a bunch for your help.
DeleteThe story sounds awesome, Adam!
ReplyDeleteI agree with both comments above. What I'd add as a suggestion is to show why the stakes are high for Sol. Being a professional fighter he can't really be too scared of an assassin. I mean, that's just a normal day's work for him to stop some guy from killing him. You should set the assassin apart, tell us why he's so dangerous to Sol, and why his presence would drive Sol out of his only home.
I hope I made some sense to you. :)
Keep polishing, you have a gem in there!
Yes! These are some great comments. Of course I know damn well why anyone and everyone should be afraid of the assassin but that doesn't mean I'm conveying it well in the query. That's one of those things you need an outside opinion to see. Thanks a ton.
DeleteI'd definitely tighten the first two paragraphs and expand the last paragraph--that's your hook. Also consider adding your punches with a short sentence or two--a short sentence in the midst of long ones has huge impact, especially if you understate/imply with it.
ReplyDeleteThanks Connie, I appreciate the help.
DeleteAdam, thanks for you comments on my query over on my site. As for your query, I agree with a lot of the folks comments above. My edits are below. I've removed a few words here and there and rearranged a few things, not much.
ReplyDelete***
In the heart of the Astrolian Empire, deep in the bowels of the Coliseum, a makeshift family of sympathetic guards and fellow slaves raise the orphan Sol to become a legendary gladiator. With his fighting partner, a yeti-like giant from the frozen south, Sol must battle warriors and exotic beasts to delight the crowd and stay alive.
When a captured member of the Resistance is forced into Sol’s cell as a sex-prize, her words of rebellion compel Sol to question his long-accepted fate as a slave. Outside the Coliseum, an unknown bard’s tales transform Sol into a symbol of defiance and inspire an oppressed populace hungry for a hero. To quell this potential insurgence, Astrolia’s most ruthless assassin is tasked with Sol’s vilification and eventual demise [passive tense "is tasked"]. Sol’s only hope is to rely on friends, new and old, in order to do what no slave has ever done: escape the Coliseum and the only home he’s ever known.
SOL OF A GLADIATOR is an adult Fantasy novel complete at 84,000 words. I am seeking your representation because...
[Brief bio information about yourself]
Thank you for the opportunity to submit to Agency-X.
Adam
Thanks Steven, I'll keep your comments in mind on my next revision.
Delete