Adams Gaylord Writes: BEER!!!! (and what it might say about your characters)

Prince Charming just put in a long hard day fighting dragons and all he wants to do is put his feet up and watch a little bit of jousting on MSPN (Mid-evil Sports Programing Network) but when he gets back to Camelot (which is a silly place) the Princess is on a rampage because the enchanted woodland critters have soiled the tapestries again (This is a castle and we have many tapestries, and if you are a Scottish lord then I am Mickey Mouse!). After shooing the enchanted animals outside and cleaning up their enchanted droppings, our hero puts the seven dwarfs to bed and then, finally, sits down with a nice cold flagon of his favorite brew.

But what brew? What epic beer does our epic hero epically quaff in this epically epic fantasy? And does it matter?

You bet your ass it matters!!!

As I've said before, I'm a beer nut, a brew fanatic, a hop head, an alcoholic...wait, scratch that last one. I love beer!

Most people follow a similar beer path. Generally, folks start their beer journey in the Land of American Style Pilsners. This is a very desolate, colorless land full of frat boys and NASCAR logos. There's nothing wrong with starting here, or even visiting on a hot summer day, but I don't recommend taking up residence. Once you stop drinking beer just to get drunk, it's time to move on into the Realm of Micro-brews. There are two routes that most people take to get there, either through the mountain pass of light citrusy wheat beers or through the darker amber beer mines. Both routes are safe, delicious, and inviting. Usually beer travelers take their time on these roads and some never leave. Those that choose to press on tend to head to the Kingdom of Ports and Stouts. A heady place full of depth and intrigue. There's a lot to see there and it's usually best to visit in the winter. A few brave souls press on and finally reach my home, the Land of Hops where the IPAs and hoppy reds roam free. By the time you've made it here you are sure to be a beer snob and proud of it. From the Land of Hops you might visit your old haunts back along the path or take occasional forays into the Valley of Sours, the Plains of Alt, or any of the attractions the diverse world of beer offers.

Brewed in Japan, this batch of Hitachino Nest Beer spent 3 extra days in the mash due to the giant earthquake of 2011. This resulted in a unique, once in a lifetime, un-replicable brew that beer nuts like me have been clamoring over.

I believe that where you are along your beer journey, and therefore what you drink, can say a little about who you are. For example:

Pilsners - Your a working class, blue-collar, salt of the earth sort of person. You drink the same beer your daddy did and if it was good enough for him, then by god it's good enough for you (the same could be said for your politics). Wherever you're from, you're proud of it. Slow to change your ways and often stubborn, you say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"

Wheats - You are one laid back individual. Problems slough off you like water off a ducks back. You're a dreamer who knows that money doesn't make a person happy. As a result, you often find yourself in money trouble. Outdoorsy, you can usually be found on some forest trail with your bike or your dog.

Sure Bets:

CooperSmith's Brewing (Fort Collins, CO) "Mountain Avenue Wheat"
Terrapin Beer Co. (Athens, GA) "Sunray Wheat"
Founders Brewing Co. (Grand Rapids, MI) "Founders Fest Wheat"

Porters and Stouts - You're an intellectually minded person who takes life seriously. You like your coffee black and your beer blacker. Slow to judge and even slower to react, you prefer to take your time to ponder over the many issues that life throws your way. you like rainy days and big fireplaces.

Sure Bets:

Great Divide Beer Co. (Denver, CO) "Yetti Imperial Stout"
Deschutes Brewery (Bend, OR) "The Abyss"
Lagunitas Brewing (Petaluma, CA) "Cappuccino Stout"
Oakshire Brewing (Eugene, OR) "Espresso Stout"

The Beer Gods shining down on my favorite brewery.

IPA's and Red - Adventurous and gregarious, you are a risk taker with a reputation for taking any situation to the edge (sometimes past). You tend to consider yourself smarted than you actually are but, either through dumb luck or the help of your friends, it usually doesn't get you into trouble. You're naturally funny but you also tend to try to hard in social situation.